Conflict Management

This class couldn’t have come at a better time.  My husband and I have been at war with each other off and on like a roller coaster.  Recently we talked about divorcing and how that would be the answer to our situation, in fact divorce was the only thing we could agree on.  I knew I loved him but I wasn’t sure it was enough to keep going on with him.  He is in and out of my life because he works away.  Sometimes his schedule is so erratic that I’ll see him for a few hours before he leaves again and can be gone for a month.  While he is gone we seldom speak on the phone due to the cost and I raise our almost 4 year old as a seemingly single parent.  Our lack of communication made the space between us grow.   

My husband and I live in two separate worlds.  My life revolves around taking care of our daughter, the home, and going to school.  My husband is always around rough speaking men and traveling, and is used to doing what he wants.  When he enters into my world he has a culture shock.  The time that it takes him to adjust back into home life where he must watch his language and not insist that I am room service or a maid, or one of the guys, is about the same time when he has to leave again. 

We developed resentment towards each other.  We built instant walls that were defense mechanisms whenever one of us spoke.  It was like living with a roommate that you didn’t really like.  When I started taking this class I began reading a lot of the same instances that he and I were going through.  I started to believe there was hope to reconnect.  I read the class text, the websites, and realized that I may be leading myself to self-fulfilling prophecies.  By where I was expecting the worst, the worst was occurring.  I wasn’t allowing myself to not think he was going to belittle or berate me.

To resolve this conflict I began to speak to him casually about how confusing it was to me that we had ended up in such miscommunication.  I told him about some things I had read in my book regarding assuming, listening, and our individual interpretations.  Through this we had a basis to start a healthy conversation.  I immediately used what my reading told me about listening.  What made this so interesting to me is that I knew what I should do in the case of working with children and families.  But since I had built such anger and resentment inside of me for my husband, I did not follow my own rules that I would apply to a stranger.  This really made me sad. 

From using empathetic listening I was able to understand his goals, needs, and wants.  Using clear language we were able to see that our view points of what was previously being said were totally different.  I actually grabbed my book and went through some pages with him that I had marked.  We are from different cultures and so we had to first understand that before we could move on any further.  We made a point to notify the other person using kind words if we felt attacked or displeasure in the words the other used.  We talked about discussing only the matter at hand, because beyond that lied an area where feelings and characters could get hurt.  We only needed to discuss the facts, not the assumptions.    

Another important aspect I have found is on page 207 of our book that speaks about marital conflicts.  In the book it tells us that John Gottman has narrowed down the four actions that make for a bad relationship.  “..criticism and complaints, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” (O’Hair and Wiemann, 2009).  Those four behaviors were my and my husband’s middle names.  I hope we can continue on our path for our sake and that of our daughter’s.  Honestly this class just saved me money on obtaining a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.