Conflict Management

This class couldn’t have come at a better time.  My husband and I have been at war with each other off and on like a roller coaster.  Recently we talked about divorcing and how that would be the answer to our situation, in fact divorce was the only thing we could agree on.  I knew I loved him but I wasn’t sure it was enough to keep going on with him.  He is in and out of my life because he works away.  Sometimes his schedule is so erratic that I’ll see him for a few hours before he leaves again and can be gone for a month.  While he is gone we seldom speak on the phone due to the cost and I raise our almost 4 year old as a seemingly single parent.  Our lack of communication made the space between us grow.   

My husband and I live in two separate worlds.  My life revolves around taking care of our daughter, the home, and going to school.  My husband is always around rough speaking men and traveling, and is used to doing what he wants.  When he enters into my world he has a culture shock.  The time that it takes him to adjust back into home life where he must watch his language and not insist that I am room service or a maid, or one of the guys, is about the same time when he has to leave again. 

We developed resentment towards each other.  We built instant walls that were defense mechanisms whenever one of us spoke.  It was like living with a roommate that you didn’t really like.  When I started taking this class I began reading a lot of the same instances that he and I were going through.  I started to believe there was hope to reconnect.  I read the class text, the websites, and realized that I may be leading myself to self-fulfilling prophecies.  By where I was expecting the worst, the worst was occurring.  I wasn’t allowing myself to not think he was going to belittle or berate me.

To resolve this conflict I began to speak to him casually about how confusing it was to me that we had ended up in such miscommunication.  I told him about some things I had read in my book regarding assuming, listening, and our individual interpretations.  Through this we had a basis to start a healthy conversation.  I immediately used what my reading told me about listening.  What made this so interesting to me is that I knew what I should do in the case of working with children and families.  But since I had built such anger and resentment inside of me for my husband, I did not follow my own rules that I would apply to a stranger.  This really made me sad. 

From using empathetic listening I was able to understand his goals, needs, and wants.  Using clear language we were able to see that our view points of what was previously being said were totally different.  I actually grabbed my book and went through some pages with him that I had marked.  We are from different cultures and so we had to first understand that before we could move on any further.  We made a point to notify the other person using kind words if we felt attacked or displeasure in the words the other used.  We talked about discussing only the matter at hand, because beyond that lied an area where feelings and characters could get hurt.  We only needed to discuss the facts, not the assumptions.    

Another important aspect I have found is on page 207 of our book that speaks about marital conflicts.  In the book it tells us that John Gottman has narrowed down the four actions that make for a bad relationship.  “..criticism and complaints, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” (O’Hair and Wiemann, 2009).  Those four behaviors were my and my husband’s middle names.  I hope we can continue on our path for our sake and that of our daughter’s.  Honestly this class just saved me money on obtaining a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. 

Communication Tests

I was very surprised to find out that my husband and my friend scored me so high on the communication aggressiveness scale.  I scored myself as a 49 and they scored me as 67 and 62, respectively.  To be more aggressive isn't what I was so amazed about, but rather those scores mean that I have found a happy balance in hearing the message, gaining an opinion, and attacking the facts instead of the person I am talking to.  I was really thinking that I may receive an even higher score (think in the red zone) from my husband who I seem to naturally have arguments and debates with.  :) 

I also was humbled to find that all three of us placed me into the Group 1 category of listening which was the people-oriented category.  I was able to see that they see me as an empathetic and kind listener. 

I feel these qualities will allow me to be able to understand and be sympathetic with children and families.  I also feel that I will be able to resolve issues quickly by attacking only the facts made in conversations, and also that I do not attack the person talking to me.  I never have any intention of hurting the feelings or the character of the person I am talking to. 

This was a good assignment and an eye opener.  I’d like to take more tests like this in the future. 

Communicating Differently

Do you find yourself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures?

If yes, in what ways do you communicate differently?

I do find that I communicate differently with people in my neighborhood who are religious.  I tend to tone down my language and speak briefly and positive.  I don’t want to offend them, and I also have known the small group here to be nosey and tell everyone in their circle what I say and do. 

I also find that I speak differently to people on the telephone than I do in person.  One reason is because I cannot see their body language and this is a huge part of how I notice they are taking my replies and requests.   Although I have no idea what culture the people I am speaking with are from, it is the non-visible communication factor that makes me speak differently. 

I speak differently with people of different age groups.  I listen more to those who are older than me and that is a respect factor.  I talk softer to those who are children, and bluntly to those who I assume are around my age. 

For me, it is the feelings that I have about each culture and group that make my reaction so.  When I see teenagers I think of coming into their own, pressure from peers and family, and this causes me to speak to them securely as well as being deeply concerned in their feelings and needs.  So the goals that I have put forth in what I want to portray to each individual come out in my speaking as well as how I speak. 

Language, Nonverbal, Listening

For this assignment, again consider what you have been learning about communication skills and styles. Then record an episode of a television show you do not normally watch. Watch the show with the sound turned off.

• What do you think the characters’ relationships are based on the ways in which they are communicating?
• What are they feeling and expressing based on the nonverbal behavior you are observing?

Now, watch the show with the sound turned on.

• What assumptions did you make about the characters and plot based on the ways in which you interpreted the communication you observed?
• Would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well?

I decided to watch the show “Cougar Town”.  With the sound off I noticed that the 4 characters seemed friendly by laughing together.  The main character sat on a chair with another man and snuggled with him, put her arm around him, and he smiled back at her, that suggested to me that they were a couple.  Another man and woman were sitting on an opposite couch, although they were not touching affectionately, they were still sitting closely.  The man would make eye contact with everyone and speak, and the woman would then talk with her eyebrows lifted, not looking at him, and smirking.  Afterwards the other couple would laugh.  This indicated to me that the woman was making fun of the man.    The main character (a woman) got up and stood behind a counter while still talking to the group.  She used high arched eyebrows which told me she was saying something important to her.  The other characters listened intently, leaning forward in their chairs, making direct eye contact, and one character putting her hand to her chin.  The main character began to look up to the ceiling and look as if she was not talking to the group anymore.  Her mouth began to not open as wide, indicating to me that she was talking more quietly, perhaps to herself.  Then the other woman made a gesture with her hands as if to reel something in, this told me that she was asking the main character to come back to the situation at hand. 

Watching it with the sound on I was correct to assume that the main character and the man she was sitting with on the chair were an item.  They talked about their sex life for a moment and then snuggled.  I had missed previously that the other couple who were sitting on the couch had made disgusted looks.  I believe I didn’t notice this because I wasn’t able to hear the first couple mention their sex life, so I didn’t make that correlation as a joke to make faces at their comment.  When the main character went behind the counter, she started to talk intensely about a plot she was conceiving.  This is why her arched brows and direct eye contact were made.  Then she slowly started to go off into her own world, questioning things that the other members of the group had no idea about.  The woman on the couch asked to come back to their conversation.  That was evident with the sound off as well. 

The dialogue that was used made the show make sense and the gestures that were made were easier to predict and follow when I could hear what was being said.  Otherwise, with the sound off I had no predictions as to what would happen or why it was happening.  I was making assumptions.  I could make my own story line for what was occurring only because these gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, were common to me.  However, with the sound on, all of these began to form together with their dialogue.  How the characters spoke and how they changed pitch and tone and of course, what they said, all made the story lines comes together and meant something more than just what I saw with the sound off.    

I think it was easy to assume what the characters were feeling.  Because feelings of disgust, sadness, and happiness are easily read on faces.  But the content of the characters’ words were totally different than what I had imagined they were saying J

Competent Communication

Competent communication has three parts,

Cultural- depending on the culture that you are from depends on how you will interpret the message and how you will respond. 

Situational- this is where the communication happens, such as at a fancy restaurant or at home, school or at a friend’s house.

Relational- whom are you communicating with?  You’re communication would be different with your mother than your best friend, or different between your child than your spouse. 

My husband demonstrates competent communication within his work context.  When my husband speaks to his buddies from work he uses their “work lingo” because they all are a part of that culture, and they all have an understanding of what certain words mean.  He also uses obscene language when he is in the right situation with them such as at work, or at their shop.  And he jokes around or can become quite serious when talking to his work friends about work tales or safety, respectively.  My husband is effective in this communication context because he can successfully use the language and the tone needed to get his points across.  However, his words and language would not work with another group of individuals who did not also know his job. 

In a way I would like to become as aggression with my communication as my husband can be.  He does not become emotional or forgetful when speaking and always clearly makes his point known.  Sometimes so well in fact, that he can gain control in most situations by his use of words.  I admire that fact about him and secretly think he was supposed to be a lawyer.  He is one of those individuals who can carry your own thoughts away from what you were going to say and soon you are out of ideas.  Not one to argue with let me tell you.